They say you can’t judge a book by its cover, but can you judge a craft beer or hard cider by its tap pull? A recent pub crawl led to our ruminating about the tap pulls breweries are creating these days. Some of them are absolutely incredible – like individual works of art – which led to our wondering how the breweries come up with the designs? What are they supposed to mean?

Assuming they should be taken literally, we came up with our own brew descriptions.

Angry Orchard Easy Apple: What the company’s website says: “This less sweet, easy-to-drink hard cider is apple-forward in taste and unfiltered, leaving it with a slightly hazy appearance and a refreshingly dry finish.” What we say: “Crisp and tart with half-eaten undertones and a birchy finish.”

Newcastle Brown Ale: What the Beer Snob says: “This is a light to light-medium bodied brew with a noticeably carbonated mouthfeel. It tastes like a mix of various nuts…you can detect almond, pecan and walnut notes there.” What we say: “Take flight with this spaceship-like rendering of brushed aluminum simplicity.”

Hermit Thrush Brattlebeer: From the brewery’s website: “Brattlebeer is slightly tart, light bodied and dry with both fruity and malty undertones, and a rocky, champagne-like head.” From the BBC Brew Crew: “A vintage appeal with woody, repurposed rustic notes.”

Hobgoblin: What their site says: “… a full-bodied ruby beer that delivers a delicious chocolate toffee malt flavor.” What we knuckleheads have to say: “A Middle-Earth winner with a lot of nose and a red hat finish.”

Two Roads Road Jam: The elegant prose on the website: “It has a stunning red color and mouth-watering berry aroma.  Fruity and refreshingly dry.” Our butchered op-ed: “All signs point to a metal-like fruit spread.”

Dogfish Head Beer for Breakfast: What the brewery says: “A stout tricked out with all sorts of breakfast ingredients including Guatemalan Antigua cold press coffee.” From yours truly: “An overall sunny presentation with an unexpected oceanic undertone.”

Lest there be any doubt that we’re kidding, we tried each and every beer mentioned above and they’re all absolutely fantabulous. And no, we did not drive after drinking!